Remedial Actions for a Dysfunctional family

A dysfunctional family is a group energy system which either fails to perform its intended function or is dependent upon --harmful or counter-productive methods in order to function. It's a system that doesn't work very well or one that hurts the people in it Counter-productive actions are repeated again and again until they become an intrinsic part of the system because the overall functioning of the system becomes more important than the means. A family's purpose can be seen as the living, sharing, nourishing and development of life. When this purpose is no longer fulfilled, as when making a living or caring for children becomes immersed in addictions, lies, violence, or personal manipulation, yet still continues, that system has become dysfunctional. If Dad's drinking or abusing Mom allows him to continue working at his meaningless job, on which the family is dependent, then this behavior becomes accepted as part of the family system. Because the child is born into it, the family's method of functioning is seen as "normal." This form of dysfunctionality is shrouded in non-communication, alienation, fear, denial and anger which, while shared by all, is not permissible to express. These feelings get channeled into standardized behavior patterns designed to keep the ailing system functioning as smoothly as it can under the circumstances. The patterns become second nature, part of our basic survival mechanisms which we carry through into all our subsequent situations. Non-communication and secrecy Because dysfunctional families believe they are dependent upon their patterns to survive, it becomes the unwritten rule not to talk about feelings. It only brings up pain, which the family feels is unsolvable. When dysfunction occurs in a subsequent group there is the same tendency to avoid speaking about it and the same feeling of futility about being able to change anything. This may make us want to drop out of the group, blame everyone else, and do almost anything but communicate. Anger and fear As a result of the lack of communication, the child is left with a constant level of anger and fear, which becomes normal and is later exacerbated by any situation which threatens to mimic the original. When you have a group of people who carry left over anger, that anger gets triggered easily, making the group a potentially volatile medium. The anger may or may not be justified in the present circumstance, but likely as not the vehemence of the anger is greater than the situation deserves because it is in part a carryover from childhood. The force or frequency of the anger may obscure its rightful cause and the end result is frustration for all concerned. Competition The dysfunctional family operates within a model of scarcity -- that there is a limited amount of love, time, money, food, clothing, safety, etc. The members of the family learn that all of these things must be earned through competition. Rather than developing means of working together, family members pit themselves against each other. Competitiveness exacerbates all of the problems listed here and is easy to spot in group situations. As we strive towards collectivity, competition polarity undermines our more benevolent ideologies. Group members may feel like they don't get enough time or appreciation (usually true) or feel they have to compete with each other to get a word in edgewise, to perform as well as others or to jockey for a power position. Unequal power structures Most dysfunctional families of the previous generation operated within the Patriarchal Power Model: the father had the most power; the mother was dependent upon him, and the children dependent upon her. Her powerlessness with regard to her husband was compensated for through her power over her children. The children were powerless against their parents and sought to make pecking orders among themselves and their peers. Because we learned to operate within unequal power structures we are often incapable of perceiving anything other. We either believe these dynamics are in play when they are not, or we strive to create them by our own actions so that we may remain in familiar realms. One-down or one-up power positions may be familiar -- equality may not be. In the familiar our roles are defined; in new territory, we have to feel our way, and feeling our way is what we once learned not to do. Dependence Because no one was allowed their own power for fear they might rock the fragile boat, what developed was the shadow of power -- dependence. Each member of the system became dependent upon people and behaviors they didn't feel good about This manifests later in people being terrified to let go of destructive patterns, behavior which may seem baffling to an outsider. Guilt and shame All the previous qualities, especially the latter one, result in individuals within the system feeling an indefinable sense of guilt and shame. Powerless, dependent, fearful and angry, the emotions are funneled into the subconscious through secrecy. The end feeling is one of malaise, low self-esteem and lack of trust, with an under layer of shame. Lack of trust is the end result and continuing state of the dysfunctional family survivor. It both causes and increases all of the above. Roles within the family In addition to these characteristics, members of dysfunctional family systems resort to taking on roles within the family that allow the system to be tolerable. These roles are played right through adulthood and are especially prominent in group situations. The Good Child tries to transcend the malaise of the environment by behaving like an angel. The Good Child takes on adult responsibility at a young age, strives to excel at everything, takes on other people's problems and generally compensates for feelings of inferiority with a drive to accomplish and prove themselves. When this takes the form of parenting younger children, the child becomes "parentified" and plays out the "higher-powered" parent role in later relationships. In group situations, the Good Child takes on too much responsibility, disallowing the empowerment of others. They run things, but without much joy or satisfaction. The Good Child can get self-righteous or persecutory if they are feeling unappreciated. The Problem Child is the circuit breaker for the wiring of the family dynamics. The Problem Child (in therapy, often the "identified patient") does poorly in school, gets into trouble, turns to drugs, gets pregnant or otherwise causes problems that take focus away from the family problems. The child does not do this consciously, but is driven by her own intolerable sensitivity. In group situations the Problem Member role may dance among a few people. They are often in crisis, which distracts the group from moving forward. There is more permission to leave in a group than there is in a family, and the Problem Child may do just that then the group may then find that problems suddenly pop up in another member. This is also true for: The Scapegoat If the Problem Child does not leave, they may serve another function in the system: the Scapegoat. The Scapegoat (not always synonymous with the Problem Child) is the one who gets the blame for the dysfunctional system. ("Johnny causes such problems, I can't get anything done.") The group itself is rarely able to perceive that their whole way of functioning is ailing and instead puts all their anger into scapegoating, which, of course, increases the problems. The Scapegoat may be the newest group member, the group leader, the editor of a newsletter, or the one who generally has the most problems with the group process. Like the Problem Child, they may choose to leave; but another person will quickly become the Scapegoat in their place. The Clown Keeps himself and the family distracted by playing the entertainer. The Clown denies that there is any problem, gets attention for himself through bringing some joviality into a grim situation, and keeps the emotional pain at a tolerable level. Later in life the Clown is still distracting group process, often getting strokes for it because they do alleviate a dreary situation, yet they prevent true work from being accomplished. They're the ones we can't live with, and can't live without. The Fixer Sometimes the same as the Good Child, the Fixer is constantly trying to smooth things out. They become a Co-dependent -- one who is fixated on solving others' problems in a way that ignores their own and allows the others to continue in self-destructive behavior. No group would be complete without them, they are often seen as the group's savior, yet their fixing is more like an aspirin than a cure. The Ghost is the Hidden One, the child who tries to make himself as inconspicuous as possible, is withdrawn, never asks for anything for himself, is neither seen nor heard, and is often confused with the Good Child, except he is not competitive. This type of person is less likely to join groups, but if they do, they are quiet and unobtrusive, or they may do their disappearing act after they have volunteered for something.